my mom was the most kind-hearted & beautiful person in this whole entire world... which she learned from the BEST, her mother, Ruth Johnson (rest in peace).. my mom was SOO generous & giving, she would give you any & EVERYTHING she had, even if she NEEDED it, she would give it away anyway!! she was extremely social spirited, EVERYBODY who knew her or even just met her just LOVES her INSTANTLY!! she was the BEST mom that i could've EVER wished for!! she taught me SOOOO MANY amazing things & taught me how to respect myself!! she taught me very well manners & some really good morals!! the time we've shared is irreplaceable in my heart & soul!! we were truly inseparable & NO MATTER WHAT, we were ALWAYS around each other!! anytime my mom & i were together, laughter would fill the air & immediately lighten the mood in the room!! i would ALWAYS wait on my mom, make her coffee, food, get her drinks, candy, etc even though I would bicker at her when she would ask me, but that was just something we shared together!! i didn't bicker because i didn't want to do it, i bickered because that was the funny relationship we shared!! i was ALWAYS close to my mom, & EVERY SINGLE DAY my heart ACHES & HURTS WITHOUT HER!! i don't even know how to be happy anymore.. it's SOO HARD to even fake being happy!! i WILL NEVER be MYSELF WITHOUT HER!! i will NEVER be OKAY without her!! i will NEVER be the same ashley as i was before july 24, 2015... that day CONSTANTLY replays OVER & OVER AGAIN in my mind & the GUILT that i feel for NOT being there for her, for NOT telling her that she could come up instead of telling her no, the GUILT eats at me EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of EVERY SINGLE DAY!! there is literally NOT ONE SECOND of the day, where my mom & grandmom aren't on my mind!! everything that i do, i relate to them, & i ALWAYS wonder how my life would be like if they were still here with me today!!! i always wonder if they are proud of me or blame me for the things that i have done, whether they forgive me, or whether they are watching over me with a smile!!! it's the NOT KNOWING that kills me the MOST!!! EVERY SINGLE DAY that goes by my heart grows smaller & smaller & i know the holes in my heart could NEVER be filled again!! so, there will be forever holes in my heart that cannot be filled!! when my mom left, i couldn't even recognize myself anymore!! i NO LONGER knew myself!! it was like looking into the mirror at a COMPLETE STRANGER!! NO LOSS could or would EVER in a MILLION years, compare to the loss of my mommy!! NO ONE OR NOTHING could amount to my mommy!! i STILL don't know how to move forward in this life!! i do NOT know how to pick up the pieces of my life & move on... & i don't even think i will EVER be ready to move on without her!! i am LOST!! & i am at a crossroads.. every time i think i take 1 step forward, i end up 10 steps back.. it doesn't even feel like i have grieved, i KNOW i haven't!!! i miss you mommy, MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF, LITERALLY!! rest in peace my beautiful mother, & PLEASE shine your BEAUTIFUL BRIGHT LIGHT down on me, & light my path!!! please forgive me for ALL of my wrongdoings!! watch over me!! i miss you, & i LOVE you with EVERY BIT OF MY HEART, MIND & SOUL!!! rest in peace, mommy!!